Resilience

Resilience -- the ability to recover from setbacks or to easily adjust when faced with misfortune.

Easier said than done, to be resilient, or is it something that is simply part of the personality, of who we are. And what makes this characteristic different from being able to bounce back after a misfortune?

In my 14th Journey, I ask myself so many questions. I have survived so much in life, and I bounce back each time. Sometimes the bounce is automatic, sometimes it takes me a bit of time to get that bounce back, but I do.

An example. As anyone knows who has been following this blog from the beginning, I lost  three major players in my life within 9 months of each other and the fourth person a year after that. These people were my immediate family and the man I loved. I was lost. Really lost, and I did not think I would ever bounce back, be able to go on. But I did with time. That is when I moved from one state to another and started over in Florida. Where it is warm 99% of the time.

But, being in the lost years (four altogether) was a process. I started out wandering the halls of my house to finally moving on to tutor a young man to finally moving myself to where I am today. I knew I had to go on. Within the grief and torment, I still had goals, and I also knew that death is a part of reality. Mine just happened to happen one after another, which sometimes happen. I was struggling with the meaning of life being totally alone. An orphan and a widow in one instance.

Now. Another example. Years ago, there was this woman who was a friend of a friend and her son committed suicide. Beyond horror. Awful experience. She was married and had another child at home, but when her son committed suicide, the woman quit. She was a nurse, and she could not work; instead, she stayed inside day after day that turned into year after year. She could not respond to her daughter nor her husband. She would not go to counseling or see anyone. She quit talking to her friends, and the only person she talked to was her mother. Her husband finally left her (did not divorce her, but moved to New Mexico) and her daughter followed him.

I am not making light of this tragic event, not by a long shot. But she quit living when he quit living, at the expense of all the other people who surrounded her and loved her. To this day, the last I heard was that she still sits in her house, alone -- for what, I do not know.

So, what is the difference between the first and second example. Resilience. Seeing life half full instead of half empty. No matter what.

I have always been an optimist. When I was a child, my father died young. I have missed him all my life, but I did not look at his death as the end all. I so remember going to the river (we lived by the river) and saying at least daddy would not see wars or famine or people fighting. I was 8. Where in the world did this come from? but it did. Being without a father made me very strong, very independent. I learned young to believe in only myself, I was the one who would or could. No one else. My mistakes are mine, my successes are mine. I blame no one nor do I praise any one. I knew who my self was and no one was going to take that away from me. His death taught me those characteristics.

My youth also brought many friends (because I am adaptable and I try very hard not to judge anyone for anything) and most of those friends I have carried throughout life.

Mostly, though, I have always had a sense of purpose. True, when I was very young, my purpose was to go to school (not for learning but because that was where my friends were, and the learning was secondary). But, as I learned those school subjects, I also learned that I had goals and a purpose in life and as I have lived this life, I have found that goals and purposes change with time and fulfilling (or not) goals and purposes. That's life.

While I was researching this topic, one sentence came to life for me -- with resilience comes a greater sense of control over live, and once we have control with our life, we are able to take more risks. And the more risks we take, the more successful we become. It's an ever evolving circle.

Finally, if you would like to learn a bit more about resilience, I found an excellent article in the Harvard Business Review titled "What Resilience Means and Why it Matters" by Andrea Ovans, January 5, 2015. She quotes from Diane Coutu in her "How Resilience Works" three characteristics resilient people possess:
1. a staunch acceptance of reality
2. a deep belief that life is meaningful
3. an uncanny ability to improvise

Further, the article stated that you can bounce back after a misfortune with one or two of these qualities, but if you possess all three, you have resilience.

And it can be learned.

If you are having difficulty going forward after a misfortune, whatever it is, please investigate this further and work toward making that next step.

One more example. A little one. There was a time when the country was in a severe recession, and work was hard to find. I had just finished my master's degree and had lost my job that put me through school due to the company moved out of state. I was frantic. Scared. And after a long search, did not see a bright spot in my horizon. But, I did find a job and I survived. But I learned from that experience. Once I got beyond the job search, I promised myself I would never go through that again, so I sat down with paper and pen and wrote all the things I could do for myself if I was ever out of a job again. And I kept it in a drawer. The inevitable happened again, and this time I was prepared. Instead of looking at doom and gloom, I focused on what I could do for myself to improve while I looked for another job. And this time, the time unemployed was so much easier. And I found a job much quicker!

Until Wednesday...have a great day...