The ending of Chapter 13

I did not bury Al; rather, he was cremated, and I still have his ashes. I don't know what to do with them. He would be soooo mad at me for keeping his ashes, but, seriously, I do not know what to do with them.

Mother continued at the nursing home, and she was worried about me. My doctor was worried about me. Many people were worried about me. I continued to work, continued to be with mother, and went to hospice counseling (Al had hospice also even though he was in the nursing home), and I saw another counselor, and I went to grief counseling. I found out I was okay, but due to all the deaths coming at once, I was having major grief. I was okay, and all was needed was to work through this. During this time, I could not focus on anything. I could not read, I could not write, I could not hold a long conversation, I could not watch a movie, I could not watch a tv program. I had the tv on for noise, but I have no recollection of watching anything longer than a minute. I told my mother she could not die, that she had to live because I could not go through another death right now. I know she stayed alive for me.

And one night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and said I had had enough. Life is short, and I was going to retire. So, a year before the date Al and I picked, I put in my notice, got my forms in order, and left my employer.

Mother continued to hang on -- at 94 years old, and weighing only 90 pounds, and still not eating nor drinking, and handling her own grief of losing her two daughters, she lived.

And that first winter after I retired, I went to Florida for a month, and she said okay. I called her every day, and it felt good to be away from the cold, from all the memories. And I returned to mother, and started going through the house, letting go of some of Al's possessions. That is a very hard thing to do, and it took me a very long time. In fact, I still have some of his stuff.

Looking forward to the next winter, I wanted to go back to Florida but for 3 months. I told mother of my wishes and intent, and she said no, she wanted me with her. I begged, pleaded that I needed to get away and I would be back. She said no, and I said yes. I said, okay, a month, please. She didn't like it, but she gave in. Instead, she died. At the age of 95, she just got sick one day and died within a couple of days. She died on Jackie's birthday.

Mother lived a long, good life doing exactly what she wanted to do, and together her three girls made sure she was happy with life. So, no, I do not have any grief on her dying. And I was so tired, so weary that sometimes it would be hard for me to simply put one foot in front of another. Actually, I celebrated her death because of her life. She would now be with her husbands (she was afraid that she would have to choose one of them in heaven -- I said, I don't think it is like that, to have to choose), and her sisters, and brother, and her parents, and her children. All she wanted from life was to have a family, and she watched that being taken from her, so, no, I never felt bad. May we all live as good of a life as she had.

And I went to Florida for three months. A friend of mine knew someone who owned a place in Florida, called her, told her my situation, and I was in for 2 months. I rented another place for a month. It was a strange 3 months. I walked around in a daze, didn't know where I was, and knew only a few people there, but it was the beginning of my coming out of my haze. I remember looking in the mirror one day, and said, oh, no, you have to change.

When I got back to Illinois, I decided I needed to do something. I started substitute teaching, but that did not work out. Then, I saw an ad in the paper for a tutor for a young man with autism. I thought, I could do that, sent my resume, had the interview, and was hired.

Miracles happen in the most unexpected ways. Who would have known that a young man with autism helped me through this transition, and gave me a reason to live. Together, we read, and cooked, and I went on field trips to Chicago with him, and we continually and consistently counted and worked with money. And his mother was always trying to feed me, and we would talk without her knowing any details of what I had just transitioned from. And we would laugh, and watch the tulips bloom, and the snow gather on the deck. And we would talk about where he went on vacation, and where I went on vacation. And I was getting better, I was coming back to life.

After two years, I knew I could not continue this forever. It would have been very easy to have this as my life, so I started thinking of snowbirding to Florida in the winter. Then, one night in the middle of the night, I sat up straight in bed, said, I am going to move to Florida, and then laid back down and went back to sleep.

The next morning I started to get my house ready to sell. I was going to move to Florida and start over. I was going to do that.

And that is what I did, I started Chapter 14 of my life. It started in September, 2014, and this is my journey. My 14th distinct journey, and I hope you follow it with me. I hope that I can help someone who has lost, whether through death or an unwanted divorce, and know that there is life after that loss. It will not be the same life, but it can be a good life.

Until tomorrow....